this post is a day late.. cos i didnt blog ydae.. sads!

so anyhows, this is a late post. and, happy thing is, i’m OFF tomorrow!!! wheeheeheeheehee~~

and, i’m going for mum and dad’s Nanyang Clay Group’s exhibition opening tomorrow! it’s been soooo long since i went for any openings u noe.. quite excited. budden, nothing to wear! oh gawwwwd.. i’ve put on SO much weight *(whining)* and seriously, i dont look good in anything now cos my clothes are all nw a little tight :S sads mann.. haha. lets see what outfit we can come out with tomorrow hehe.. i mean, later in the day :S

i have just realised that it’s alr 1 in the morning. gdness. and i am so hungry… again. hungry again. no wonders. :S

see, most things in life are just random, and simple. two very “simple” words that make up a hundred thousand things that happen in our lives. for example, i randomly kicked a shoe to the side and ended up tripping my brother. something like that. totally random. but it happens. lol. of course, i’m not that evil to say that my bro really tripped on a shoe that i kicked off to the side, but still, it’s an apt example. dont u think? or maybe i’m just delusional. again.

okay. so what i had intended for this post was that it would be a short and sweet and simple post. something like this: “see, most things in life are just random, and simple. like this post is.” that, my friends, will be really random and simple. LOL. and totally brainless. and guess what? boss just said i bird-brained today. damned. lol. i knew he meant it as a joke, but still! being called a bird-brain/pea-brain is not exactly on my agenda. whenever it is.

anyhows. this is quite far from the “short and sweet” and “random and simple” post. so i shall now stop. and maybe continue tomorrow. or something. or the other. :S

Yixin has decided to try to insist on writing a blog post every night, despite and in spite of how tired she is. yes. that shall be her new promise to herself to try to do that. it might be short, and totally random, and have nothing to do with anything, but i shall at least try. cos trying’s the first step to anything and everything. ain’t it so?

back to this old address cos i just couldn’t stand to go through all the having to find another blogname again. :S

so anyhows, been doing a lot of thinking lately.. (usually not a good sign – it usually indicates that there’s going to be a major change in my life and my decisions again) but this time, it may all be for the better i’m feeling the positive vibes!! hehe..

i wanna change, be different from who i was.. i’m starting to be that, and i noe i will go through with it. i will persevere..

wish me luck my friends..

Looking back upon those years of insanity, of not caring, or just being too tired to care, just being too spoilt to care.. I do have mixed feelings..

Yes, I know that many of my experiences were (considered by clinical psychiatrists) “traumatic”, but still, I don’t think I ever regret the decisions that i made following those events. i did what i could to survive, tried to do what i can to move on. of course, that which has been broken inside me will never ever ever be the same again. it has healed, to a certain point, definitely. but it is scarred. and it will forever remain scarred. time is cruel. there is never any turning back.

there is never be any “what if’s”. nor any “if i had known”. nor will there be any good in saying, “if only i had done this, this, this, or that”. that kind of stuff makes u stuck in the past. talking about the past makes u stuck in the past. it acts like quicksand, pulling u down, down, down. the more u struggle to move forwards and upwards, the more the downward pull as it sucks u right into the darkest abyss of Time.

This, is the cruelty of Time.

I asked myself time and time and over and over again. Why had i not done it differently? why had i not seen the blatant fact that was put in front of me? why? (tho i never asked “why me”. not once. cos anything can happen to anyone. and there can be nobody to blame for anything) It’s the endless cycle of self-blame that i chained onto myself that multiplies that nagging feeling of unworth inside me.

maybe, just as mum said, i should never blame myself like that. or think that i’m less worthy than others, or that i’m not good enough, that i’m not as good as others.

they probably were right, at times of crises comes times of opportunities and new chances. i’m at this crossroad right now. this junction of life decisions. i can make a difference in my life. this is the time of my life that i can achieve what i want, to work towards my dreams and make them come true. I can choose my own life path. i believe it. and now, i shall let no doubts of myself work against me.

It is time to let go now. to let go of the past. now, i move on.

it’s almost funny to see how fragile something is, that can be broken by a single word, a single sentence, a single anything from anyone.

did it hurt? or cut? if tts what you were looking for, you did get it. i was hurt, badly. but, ultimately, it’s not my decision to make. did i fault anyone? no. blame anyone? no. do i? i never did, and i never want to.

did i regret anything? no, no i didn’t. i don’t regret. i don’t like regretting. but if there’s ever one, its nt studying hard enough in sec sch/jc.

can people of different ideologies nt be friends? why must we judge on what it seems to us, on our personal perceptions, and not hear from the other side? shld we refute what we don’t see? or that which we do not agree with without a clear explanation? shld we negate that which is not in our understanding?

i know things happen for a reason, and maybe that was it. idk. i don’t know much about these things anyway. but i do think that misunderstandings shld be cleared. i am sure that friends we will nvr be again. but that doesnt mean that i won’t still help any of you if you ever need it (nt tt u will even think of me other than to scold me). and it doesnt mean that i would talk bad abt any of you behind ur back. it doesn’t mean that i will spread stories true or untrue about you to anyone.

i am upset that things turned out this way, who wouldn’t? but it has already happened. i cant do anything to change whatever has happened.

i stand firm. i don’t blame anyone, i am not angry at anyone. i am trying my best to take all of this in my stride (which, btw, is quite short due to the shortness of my legs) and trying to take in all of this with “an everyday mind”.

i am unsure of my next move, my next step, and even my emotions at this point in time. i guess, it is not appropriate for me to say anything now in such a confused state of mind.

i do realise that whatever i say may be taken in a totally wrong and different interpretation than what i had meant. maybe thats whats going to stop me from blogging or writing. totally stop.

i am sick and tired of misunderstandings.

i’ve been living in fear the past few weeks. of losing everything i worked my ass off for. i worked so freaking hard for my happiness, for my sanity. now i feel like i’m losing everything. i feel like im slipping away into that land which i had worked so hard to get away from.

i do like msn sometimes. i can be cheering ppl up on one end while tearing on this end.

yes i’m fearful. i’ve been consciously trying very very hard to keep out of it. but it isn’t easy. it never was. and it never will be. these days i feel i’m losing the grip, the firm hold i have on my sanity. if there’s an easy way out, i want to take it. an easy way out of this messed up mind i have. bt of cos, not by taking my life.

i told a friend who was emo-ing, that i feel better when i think abt the things i’m grateful for. i do, really. but these days it just dont seem to work. haha. hope im not losing it. cos i sure worked dam*Ed hard to get where i am today and i’m not talking about grades or school or work or pay or whatsoever “materialistic” stuffs yea.

i noe i can do it. i just need a bit more strength. i guess. and more time perhaps would do fine too.

我的存在，是拿来践踏的吗？

i have run out of ideas for titles. seriously.

so anw, it’s been three weeks at school, my assignments have been piling up and its reaching the top of my cesspool, which means i really got to get started. esp for my AMX assignment for example, which is due tml, and which i have yet to start on. EEEPS!!

i am, frankly, surprised at some stuffs tt i have heard cos it just seems illogical to me tho. but then again, as i always am, i shall nt judge. i shall make a conscious effort to take everything in stride and nt judge or be largely influenced by any single event/person.

i will strive to.

what do you say to a person who told you: frankly, i do still think about you and still have feelings for you..

and how do you react when aft receiving tt kind of msg, someone sends u an sms saying: im very worried abt u..

i got both tonight. and i didnt know what to ans, but i felt all warm and fuzzy inside upon receiving tt second msg =) maybe we’ve just been tgt for so long, tt we can detect d subtleties in the change of language or diction stuff like tt.. but i was very very touched =)

we’re not a .. “romantic” couple, i guess. at least, not by traditional ways like the whole flowers wayang.. but i guess we do have our own little moments, like how we laugh at the stupidest things, or how we can talk abt my deepest fears and not fear being judged.. in the most unromantically romantic way, he has always been the one to support me and help me. maybe it was our unromanticism tt makes us seem such a strong couple in others’ eyes..

then he sent me this song: I can’t Smile Without You by Barry Manilow and somehow, my tears just fell. just like that. it is indeed touching to know that someone can be so unromantic yet true in their expressions… =)

doesnt change the fact that one sms did spoil my mood, or to be more accurate, make me feel very very unexplainably melancholic/sad. im all confused nw. this kind of msg always does.

he says: i msged u to see if we cld get back tgt..

no, no we can’t. we can’t.

i am sun-burnt. =) bt im happy to be actually. :S went cycling at ecp tdy!! went in the water for a bit, but not much….. the tide was rising lar. bt anw, i had a great time!! tml’s school again i am sad.

i have dense friends. really. esp when it comes to male-female interaction with the people they have likings for. urgh.

anw, that’s their problem to worry about, i am in charge of listening and providing a listening ear and outlet for them.. hopefully, it will help them in whatever they need to figure out. tts all i have to give, and tts all i can give, tts what i will give.

been thinking abt problems, feeling melancholic, mood-swinging a little.. cant help it when memories tide over, cant help the melancholy when the memories come… but still, i am thankful for the experiences. i know i can walk anything out on my own.