i have often been melancholic these days. maybe it’s becos the guys who were in my life have come out one way or the other, making me think of things that i no longer want to remember. maybe it’s the weird dreams that have haunted my nights and consumed my thoughts in the day. i seriously have no idea. im sick of the comments, sick of hurting, of being hurt. sick of guessing. of knowing, yet, of not knowing.
sometimes im better at expressing in english, others, in chinese. im a confused person.
haha went cycling at ECP yesterday. rented the bikes at cycland (area b) at 1215hrs. HAHAHA. so we decided to cycle all the way to changi village for some lunch (had dinner at ard 4+pm d day before, and nth, i say, NTH, after that) 
so we went out of ECP, and somewhere near the runway. hehe. so exciting!!! ok, me loves planes for one thing.. and seeing them land so near to us was absolutely heaven! and all very very very exciting!!!
so beautiful right???
so anw, we were somewhere there (it was approximately one hour into our cycling venture) when kw’s back tyre had a puncture. -.-” yes. puncture. so .. there was obviously nothing much that we could do except to walk all the way back to the bike shop. so .. that’s what we did! and no sooner did we start walking back, that it started to drizzle. =) drizzle ma.. still ok what……… then it started raining ………… 25mins later, we were back at the start of ECP (at the golf club entrance) and it was POURING. gaaaawwwwd. it was absolutely pouring…
but we had no choice but to keep on walking and when we were near this clearing, (there werent much trees around and it was just the place that we commented was very quiet and were planning a picnic there for its scenic beauty and lack of noise ) we saw lightning. it was SO close and near to us that it looked almost right in our face!!! 1) we were drenched 2) we were pushing the bicycles 3) there wasn’t much trees anywhere near us. we literally freaked. lol. looking back at it now, it was pretty funny. but it was quite scary at the point in time. the purple of the lightning was SO vivid!!!
so anw, we stopped for a quick dinner+breakfast+lunch at about 3.30 at the coffeeshop (cos i was very tired plus the lack of food was kind of getting to me) and by the time we reached the bike shop, it was alr ard 4.20pm. haha. along the way i told him: look on the bright side, we didnt come to cycle, we came to hike!! rofl. and yea i think we did. lol. we rented the bikes for 4hrs, cycled 1hr, walked for 3hrs loool. funny!!!
bt yea it was great experience .. (except for my now aching shoulders and legs) lol.
if i had to do it over again, i would =))
i wanted to blog.. but i don’t know what to blog about. maybe she was right. maybe i SHOULD start a chinese blog.
i know this is one day late, but .. took me some time to get the pics onto the computer (and i didnt even edit anything!! gawd) so anw, ydae was a total and complete off-day for my parents. and that hasn’t happened in .. idk, YEARS!!! lol. so yea was glad i could do that for them
we made pizza-lasagna “stuff” lol it wasnt quite like pizza and is not lasagna either a little bit of both i guess and we even made our own tomato sauce!!! haha. it was fun… (refer to pics below) i’ll have to agree, the tomato sauce looked pretty much like *shit* at first, but it turned out pretty tasty!! tho me and moms didnt refer to any recipes at all for aniting, and have never tried anything of this sort. lol. it was SO fun! 
then, we made mee kia for dinner! sadly, the mee kia tasted like mee sua cos it wasnt very chewy.. it was just all soft.. i think we made it too thin lol. but it all turned out great i think dad had a nice time =)) at least, to get a full and complete day off work!!!
and, we have now got 48 cable tv channels!! muahahahaha. ooops. lol. just renewed our starhub cable and broadband contract great great!! haha. currently in love with HBO, and my usual Discovery packages thing
为什么，我们总要等到需要他人的帮助时才想起他们的存在？为什么我们常常将“要珍惜”，“要惜福”挂在嘴边但却不见自己将其中之意处处表现出来？？难道。。我们真的是非等到失去不可，非等到不能拥有，等到人事已逝，才会真正的去体会“珍惜”吗？
方才收到了一个人的简讯，有些许惊讶，参半的有些许的无奈。我们有过一段维持了两个月的过去。。没有与他联络，也有4个月了吧？游走在法律边缘的他，可不是又闯祸了？才刚出狱不久吧？6个月？8个月？这下可好，可能又要回去吃“黑豆饭”了。我有什么特别的感受吗？没有吧。。只是觉得无奈。游走法律边界也就算了，非得跨过去另一遍吗？非得闹到周围的人都为你担心你才甘心吗？其实也真的觉得自己有些可悲哈哈若不是他们有麻烦，要人帮忙，会联络我吗？会想起我吗？若不是他们的心中对我有非分之想，他们会记得我吗？
艺欣收到这些简讯时常常会觉得自己其实无存在的理由、无存在的价值。不就是给人利用吗？他们没有麻烦的时候，会意识到“我”的存在吗？
二十年了。。为了社会需求，我几乎时时刻刻掩饰自己（虽说在现任男友和重新发现的“锐”友人面前才微微露出比较“我”的一面）许多时候，想讲的话自个儿往肚子里吞。。可我有些累了。就那么一点。我累了。可是我偏偏又自作践，没有足够的勇气完完全全地摆脱社会的要求、社会的那狭隘的框框。
“我”的存在价值到底是什么？我是个称职的朋友吗？女儿？女友？好友？姐姐？妹妹？我。。到底有没有在每一份感情、友情、亲情里付出我的一百八仙？
有的，我有付出我的全部的。。我没有吗？只要是友人，甚至，只要是我认识的人，尽管只说一声，我一定在能力范围内帮助你们，我一定尽可能随传随到。。若你们有问题，我一定仔细聆听。。也许我做得不够多，也许我做得不够好。也许，我真的不能称得上是个称职的“人”。。
我不明白，为什么因为社会的各种约束我不能开怀的与自己臭气相投的友人一起公开的谈天说地，而必须躲躲藏藏的。我希望这个样子吗？我真的不想。他们。。是从小有人宠爱着的人。。而我，是从小就受排斥、从小被讨厌大的人。。我习惯受排挤吗？太习惯了。。除了初院以外吧。。初院的时间是我最被接受的时间，自然的，也是我最快乐的时光。懵懵懂懂的来到了大学。。。
我为什么不能够公开我的真实想法？我为什么必须时常戴着一个面具？面具戴久了，呼吸困难。那沉重的湿气，我奈何得了多久？我奈何得了多少？迟早有一天，急性子的我一定僵持不住。我到底在害怕什么？是，我害怕失去我所有的朋友。我害怕被社会之人贴上标签。因为我到过那里，所以我知道那里的痛苦、那里的一切一切不堪提起的事情。我到底是在圈子里，还是在圈子外？我是个在圈子里的第三者？现在我完全搞不清楚。到底要的是什么？追求的是什么？到底有没有要什么？有没有在追求些什么？
突然觉得自己很可笑。竟然为了继续保持一定的距离而对一个不太认识的人道歉。。”Sorry.. that keeping a distance is now a little easier than bringing myself to trust..” 我很懦弱。很脆弱。很软弱。
我需要它的时候。。眼泪，遗弃了我。
was supposed to be a day of doing my Amath, and reading reading reading. bt got a call in d aft frm qx to go out and buy stuff (basically be his “ah-sam” so he called me for the length of time we were grocery shopping). =)) haha. hmm i will almost definitely go out with him as long as he asks and as long as i can make it, cos .. firstly i don’t go out with him a lot and we definitely dont contact a lot. and secondly.. normally if he asks me out .. hmm i guess most of the time its cos he wants to go out and 散散心 or jz talk to somebody ba.. idk. tts my one-sided view. and mebbe its cos i live so near him =)) lol.
so anw, went grocery shopping with him cos he has a bbq tonight at his place for the relatives, and MAN! the traffic in the carparks is C-R-A-Z-Y!!! esp at IMM omg.. we had to park at the 5th floor!!! ohh and went to the pet shop!!! haha. qx brought me there the one near sunset way.. and i was talking to the owner, and he was like: ur friend.. is she xy?? i was like: yea!! haha. funny. =)) =)) picked up qianqian’s and orh pi’s feed with a free kitty mug to boot! noooo the mug is for human usage
and.. qx’s a very nice guy to hang out with.. and yes, he IS a very nice guy lol. i jz hope everything works out for him.. if u’re reading this, qx.. i jz wanna say the same ol’ thing i always say to everyone.. i’m only a phone call away.. i’ll do whatever i can for you as long as it’s within my means yeahh.. and that applies to ALL my friends..
i saw a few bkshelves tt were quite cheap at Giant bt i didnt buy them.. mebbe tml I’ll go ikea or sth. i REALLY NEED a bkshelf for my bks. hai.. everything’s so disorganised otherwise. boos.
anw, didnt reach hm for very long wen kw called n informed me of the death of one of his friends. sigh. i knew tt guy actually, we went out tgt once. and i can still vividly rmb his face. throughout the time we spent tgt (like, a few hours) he was so bubbly and smiley and happy.. and .. sigh. it’s hard to picture his face without that wide smile.. even tho i don’t really know him know him, i still feel affected by it.
so .. there’s that.. sighx.
anw, i’m alr on the 3rd chapter of my A math – indices and surds =)) tonight, i will start on my readings (i am very reluctant to put down the 雍正皇帝 so i think what’s left to be done is to allocate my reading times )
its daddy’s day tml. happy fathers’ day everyone……..
muahahahaha. yess!! bought a lot of books today! hopefully i will be able to read them … but yess they’re expensive (as a bundle : S$ 200.00 today alone!) but, when i buy books, im happy. albeit the fact that they are … “boring” books. haha. but, i see buying books as self-investment laa and im lucky to have parents who encourage my reading rather than complain that i “waste money” when i buy books (my dad himself spends so much on books everytime he goes to a bookshop!!!!! ok, so he buys specialised books which cost a LOT, but still!!!!!)
so where did i go book shopping?
first stop: 草根书局 (a.k.a. Grassroots Book Store)
“草 根书局虽然和书城地点不同，然而它还是保有传统书店的特色，窄窄的空间堆满了书，而且种类繁多，能满足中文爱好、研读者、中文系生的需求。不过最令我影响 深刻的是位于书城的今古书画店的风格，推开门，室内的光线微微昏暗，也许是书太多，空间太窄小的关系。然而就是这种气氛，令我对它产生些许遐想，幻想着在 这城市的一个小小角落，书店老板在苦心经营着看似简陋的传统书店，这份坚持来自对中华文化的热爱、旧知识分子残留的崇大使命，老板也许对这些书产生了感 情……再想下去，可以写成小说了。这类传统的小书店，尤其是售卖中文书籍的，背后若不是靠一份对文化精神、使命感的坚持，在这个岛国城市里，恐怕早就一间 一间绝迹了！
草根书店的门口写着令人心动的一句话，“爱书人的书室”。
taken from:http://windsky28.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!62C7016259AFE23B!1470.entry
草根’s is a place that seems to be forgotten by many in this anglicised society of Singapore. You can be assured of the quality of the books that you find here. in any case, it’s a bookshop that has a lot of research books if you’re looking on those on Chinese Literature, Language, History and Philosophy it’s a great place for Chinese Specialisation students like us to shop
the first time i was there, daddy brought me (p.s. dad noes almost every old bkshop in bras basah area so i cant do aniting stupid/bad/aniting of tt sorts ard tt area :S)
the owner of the shop is an established local author (i own a few bks of his) who noes quite a few lecturers of ours (:S) hahhahas. (i am really not in the right state of mind to be doing things like this haha) he’s a great guy who will kindly introduce books to you if you ask for it, and he’s a chatty guy too hahaha idk. (he chatted abt dad. -.-”) in any case, i splurged $102.00 here!!! haha. bt i think it’s well worth the money.
second stop: 长河书局
it’s a bookshop that is a full utilisation of the minute space with books stacked on shelves and the floor, leaving only little channels for walking (so dont bring gigantic bags!!! ) it’s like a treasure hunt to find exactly the book you are looking for, so, a lazy way out is to just ask the owner if he has the stocks for the title you want, or, you could ask for recommendations too!!! =) me loves recommendations hahaha. im just lazy or sth 
the reason i like these two bkshops? i like it that it becomes very personal i.e. the r/s you build with the bosses of the bkshops, and, they are very willing to help you out if you need aniting. all you got to do, is ask. this old-world kind of relationships is very hard to come by these days in any store. it is, somehow, more personal than business (if you are a regular or goes with someone who is).
personally, i prefer grassroots. it’s like a quiet spot, an oasis in the desert of metropolitan society. the owner is so friendly (altho it freaks me out whenever he says: ohh ur lecturer was just here yesterday. or sth to tt effect. it reminds me of the nj conductor and my sec sch conductor who always go: ohh i just went for coffee with him the other day! whenever i see either one of them :S) it’s stressful when you know a person who knows a person who knows you. :S
you can get more information about these two bookshops (esp grassroots n its owner) here. (or just google-search the names of the shops!)
and today’s been a super unhealthy day lol. i had 2 kong ba bao for breakfast, and Devil’s Cake and Oreo Mocha Frappé at TCC for lunch! ohh and steamed chicken rice for dinner. dots!
and now, i think i have stomach flu. or maybe, it’s the virus/bacteria infection again! gawwwwwd.
and I’M HAPPY!!!!!! =) cos i bought books =) i’m a bookaholic ;P
Robinson’s is having a “storewide no GST” four-day “sale” lasting from today (12/06/08) to 15/06/08 (coming sunday)!! that is in additiong to the other discounts that are already on in the stores!
went to the pc show for a bit today. TOO crowded! lol. anw, ps bought 3games (one of which is with me atm!) and it sure can’t beat my parents buying a pasta maker at a bookfair! hahahaha. that is one ultimate disjoint. =)
i am somehow in a hyper mood today. maybe it’s because of the new King Koil mattress!! maybe it’s because of the new King Koil pillow!! maybe it’s because of the new anti-dustmite mattress protector!! =) hehehe. yess!!! and yes, i still have my old little bolster that is flattened in the middle because of the way i sleep haha. i’m used to putting my leg on the bolster at night when i’m hugging it .. so .. yes it is flattened in the middle (just the way i like it!) muahahahas.
anw, i need to start to brush up and start doing my A and E math alr ahh. wont say im dreading it cos the thing i dread most now is actually the attachment. i am actually kind of looking forward to it! haha. cos yes, i kind of love my sec sch math (tho im so rusty now i dont think i can solve qns). so yes.
was out since like, 1015am and just reached home a little over an hour ago. haha. just had the time to sit down lo. aiyayayaya. but its a happy day.
nights do this to me somehow, sometimes. and some people too. i just can’t help but think: what do humans crave for in life?
is it fame? fortune? behind all that screen of materialism, is what we really look for a sense of belonging? a sense of knowing that you belong in this world? in the life of others, rather than face the cruel harsh world alone? the knowledge that we are recognised by people? that we can gain that acknowledgement? that we matter in people’s life?
how do we judge who we are? how is it that some people feel so full with their lives, and others can achieve so much, yet feel so empty?
i guess that’s a question on a lot of minds.. as for me.. i’ll take one step at a time. be who i am to the best of my ability. at least, i’m pretty sure that i won’t be like certain people who behave differently in front of different groups of people.
it was a slack day. haha. but it was fun! dinner was, actually haha. mom and dad bought this “PastaAid” thing at the book fair a couple weeks ago, it looks something like this (not that nice of course):
but it’s the same concept and basically it is this thing that helps u make noodles. urmm yeah. a noodle maker kind of thing? it was quite fun haha. moms made the dough, and me and dad helped to make the meepok by putting it through the machine. muahahahahas. maybe tml morning i shall attempt to make 鸡蛋面 idea!!! haha.
wahas. anw, tml i will b gg suntec with my cousins for the pc show before going down for tuition. and i predict tml to be a very looong day. yet it’s almost 12am and im still online, on my blog, waiting for updates abt my finance stuffs. cool? quite. not.
just edited the finance stuff. pls, mng, pls don’t screw up again. *dejected and kind of irritated*
and .. i’m hungry. so i’m going to bed soon.
