doodles

In Retrospect…

{ September 5, 2009 @ 7:36 pm } · { memories, thoughts }
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Looking back upon those years of insanity, of not caring, or just being too tired to care, just being too spoilt to care.. I do have mixed feelings..

Yes, I know that many of my experiences were (considered by clinical psychiatrists) “traumatic”, but still, I don’t think I ever regret the decisions that i made following those events. i did what i could to survive, tried to do what i can to move on. of course, that which has been broken inside me will never ever ever be the same again. it has healed, to a certain point, definitely. but it is scarred. and it will forever remain scarred. time is cruel. there is never any turning back.

there is never be any “what if’s”. nor any “if i had known”. nor will there be any good in saying, “if only i had done this, this, this, or that”. that kind of stuff makes u stuck in the past. talking about the past makes u stuck in the past. it acts like quicksand, pulling u down, down, down. the more u struggle to move forwards and upwards, the more the downward pull as it sucks u right into the darkest abyss of Time.

This, is the cruelty of Time.

I asked myself time and time and over and over again. Why had i not done it differently? why had i not seen the blatant fact that was put in front of me? why? (tho i never asked “why me”. not once. cos anything can happen to anyone. and there can be nobody to blame for anything) It’s the endless cycle of self-blame that i chained onto myself that multiplies that nagging feeling of unworth inside me.

maybe, just as mum said, i should never blame myself like that. or think that i’m less worthy than others, or that i’m not good enough, that i’m not as good as others.

they probably were right, at times of crises comes times of opportunities and new chances. i’m at this crossroad right now. this junction of life decisions. i can make a difference in my life. this is the time of my life that i can achieve what i want, to work towards my dreams and make them come true. I can choose my own life path. i believe it. and now, i shall let no doubts of myself work against me.

It is time to let go now. to let go of the past. now, i move on.

bitterly amused

{ September 2, 2008 @ 12:32 am } · { random }
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it’s almost funny to see how fragile something is, that can be broken by a single word, a single sentence, a single anything from anyone.

did it hurt? or cut? if tts what you were looking for, you did get it. i was hurt, badly. but, ultimately, it’s not my decision to make. did i fault anyone? no. blame anyone? no. do i? i never did, and i never want to.

did i regret anything? no, no i didn’t. i don’t regret. i don’t like regretting. but if there’s ever one, its nt studying hard enough in sec sch/jc.

can people of different ideologies nt be friends? why must we judge on what it seems to us, on our personal perceptions, and not hear from the other side? shld we refute what we don’t see? or that which we do not agree with without a clear explanation? shld we negate that which is not in our understanding?

i know things happen for a reason, and maybe that was it. idk. i don’t know much about these things anyway. but i do think that misunderstandings shld be cleared. i am sure that friends we will nvr be again. but that doesnt mean that i won’t still help any of you if you ever need it (nt tt u will even think of me other than to scold me). and it doesnt mean that i would talk bad abt any of you behind ur back. it doesn’t mean that i will spread stories true or untrue about you to anyone.

i am upset that things turned out this way, who wouldn’t? but it has already happened. i cant do anything to change whatever has happened.

i stand firm. i don’t blame anyone, i am not angry at anyone. i am trying my best to take all of this in my stride (which, btw, is quite short due to the shortness of my legs) and trying to take in all of this with “an everyday mind”.

i am unsure of my next move, my next step, and even my emotions at this point in time. i guess, it is not appropriate for me to say anything now in such a confused state of mind.

i do realise that whatever i say may be taken in a totally wrong and different interpretation than what i had meant. maybe thats whats going to stop me from blogging or writing. totally stop.

i am sick and tired of misunderstandings.

a ding and a dong

{ August 25, 2008 @ 12:49 am } · { thoughts }
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i’ve been living in fear the past few weeks. of losing everything i worked my ass off for. i worked so freaking hard for my happiness, for my sanity. now i feel like i’m losing everything. i feel like im slipping away into that land which i had worked so hard to get away from.

i do like msn sometimes. i can be cheering ppl up on one end while tearing on this end.

yes i’m fearful. i’ve been consciously trying very very hard to keep out of it. but it isn’t easy. it never was. and it never will be. these days i feel i’m losing the grip, the firm hold i have on my sanity. if there’s an easy way out, i want to take it. an easy way out of this messed up mind i have. bt of cos, not by taking my life.

i told a friend who was emo-ing, that i feel better when i think abt the things i’m grateful for. i do, really. but these days it just dont seem to work. haha. hope im not losing it. cos i sure worked dam*Ed hard to get where i am today and i’m not talking about grades or school or work or pay or whatsoever “materialistic” stuffs yea.

i noe i can do it. i just need a bit more strength. i guess. and more time perhaps would do fine too.

我的存在，是拿来践踏的吗？

dingdong

{ August 21, 2008 @ 11:29 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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i have run out of ideas for titles. seriously.

so anw, it’s been three weeks at school, my assignments have been piling up and its reaching the top of my cesspool, which means i really got to get started. esp for my AMX assignment for example, which is due tml, and which i have yet to start on. EEEPS!!

i am, frankly, surprised at some stuffs tt i have heard cos it just seems illogical to me tho. but then again, as i always am, i shall nt judge. i shall make a conscious effort to take everything in stride and nt judge or be largely influenced by any single event/person.

i will strive to.

no. we can’t.

{ August 19, 2008 @ 10:22 pm } · { random }
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what do you say to a person who told you: frankly, i do still think about you and still have feelings for you..

and how do you react when aft receiving tt kind of msg, someone sends u an sms saying: im very worried abt u..

i got both tonight. and i didnt know what to ans, but i felt all warm and fuzzy inside upon receiving tt second msg =) maybe we’ve just been tgt for so long, tt we can detect d subtleties in the change of language or diction stuff like tt.. but i was very very touched =)

we’re not a .. “romantic” couple, i guess. at least, not by traditional ways like the whole flowers wayang.. but i guess we do have our own little moments, like how we laugh at the stupidest things, or how we can talk abt my deepest fears and not fear being judged.. in the most unromantically romantic way, he has always been the one to support me and help me. maybe it was our unromanticism tt makes us seem such a strong couple in others’ eyes..

then he sent me this song: I can’t Smile Without You by Barry Manilow and somehow, my tears just fell. just like that. it is indeed touching to know that someone can be so unromantic yet true in their expressions… =)

doesnt change the fact that one sms did spoil my mood, or to be more accurate, make me feel very very unexplainably melancholic/sad. im all confused nw. this kind of msg always does.

he says: i msged u to see if we cld get back tgt..

no, no we can’t. we can’t.

random updates

{ August 11, 2008 @ 11:39 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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i am sun-burnt. =) bt im happy to be actually. :S went cycling at ecp tdy!! went in the water for a bit, but not much….. the tide was rising lar. bt anw, i had a great time!! tml’s school again i am sad.

i have dense friends. really. esp when it comes to male-female interaction with the people they have likings for. urgh.

anw, that’s their problem to worry about, i am in charge of listening and providing a listening ear and outlet for them.. hopefully, it will help them in whatever they need to figure out. tts all i have to give, and tts all i can give, tts what i will give.

been thinking abt problems, feeling melancholic, mood-swinging a little.. cant help it when memories tide over, cant help the melancholy when the memories come… but still, i am thankful for the experiences. i know i can walk anything out on my own.

another update (a month later)

{ August 5, 2008 @ 1:49 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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yesyesyes. finally. anyways, firstly, CONGRATULATIONS TO QINGXIAN!!!! wahaha. for being the fastest driver in asia for the f1 (grand prix) simulator challenge!!! =)) i dont have the details, sorry, other than the fact that he’s 90% gg to get invited to participate in an overseas challenge following his win! =)) congrats congrats congrats!! (sorry ahh, i was half asleep when u called so i was abit blurblur)

so anw, school has started…… gawwwwwwd. i am gawking at the thought of having to write at least 6 reports (short / full) this sem. and seriously, i do think i will diediedie for this sem cos of those stupid mods we have to take. (okay i just saw someone updating the blog in alien language. seriously. it’s alien!!)

so in any case, other than the depressing news that i will so totally die this sem, hmm nth much left to update i guess. cos my life’s just boring. -.-”

oh and i saw a frenchman brushing his teeth on the train ydae. yes. brushing his teeth. on the train. hes just weird la. bt hes so funny!! hahah. i got to get in the studying mood soon i guess. boos. jiayoujiayou!!

long overdue

{ July 12, 2008 @ 12:15 am } · { random }
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haha yes i do think this post is long long LONG overdue.. this one’s for u qx.. haha..

so anw, been busy with my attachment these past few weeks, last two weeks to go!! muaha. and….. sigh. actually.. it’s not that bad i guess. except for all those reflections that i have to do. thats actually taking up most of my time yeaa.. it’s just madness! cos the qns are .. lets just say .. pretty ridiculous. boos.

in any case, it’s going to be over soon. and i’m really hoping that my leave gets approved!! goooosh. it’s not even been sent to MOE yet. what inefficiency! haha alright i just hope that my leave is approved! and as soon as possible! cos it is so freaking urgent!!!!!

=) and i finally got my camera tdy! okay, so it’s only 8mp, but its pretty gd alr! canon’s powershot series =)) hehe.. (and i do think i’m falling sick) i just spent nearly 50bucks on cab tdy! gdness can u believe it?!?! had to “deliver” the cake to kw’s hse and yes our timing sucked, and our decision was wrong, okay, MY decision to take cab was wrong cos we were stuck on the cab for 1hr13mins!! i kid u not! so anw that cost us like 30bucks den cos i fell asleep (ooops!!) so .. it was kind of like really late and i had to cab home okay i am a failure. boooos!!

yupyup. tml gg to have crab i guess to celebrate his mum’s bdae. and then .. i can rest on sunday! because , for once, i finished my reflection on friday!!! yayyay!! how happy is that?!?!

dont think i can go cycling tml!!

and .. ive recently started to practise my piano again loool aft such a long break, my fingers are sooooo rusty i can hardly do my trills with similar speed and power to 2yrs ago! gawwwwwd. time to practise a whole lot more…(esp if i still wan to take my dips. which i desperately want to!!!)

melancholic days are here

{ June 20, 2008 @ 1:40 am } · { thoughts }
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i have often been melancholic these days. maybe it’s becos the guys who were in my life have come out one way or the other, making me think of things that i no longer want to remember. maybe it’s the weird dreams that have haunted my nights and consumed my thoughts in the day. i seriously have no idea. im sick of the comments, sick of hurting, of being hurt. sick of guessing. of knowing, yet, of not knowing.

sometimes im better at expressing in english, others, in chinese. im a confused person.

cycling (or hiking… ???) at ECP!!!

{ June 19, 2008 @ 11:47 pm } · { happy, memories }
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haha went cycling at ECP yesterday. rented the bikes at cycland (area b) at 1215hrs. HAHAHA. so we decided to cycle all the way to changi village for some lunch (had dinner at ard 4+pm d day before, and nth, i say, NTH, after that)

so we went out of ECP, and somewhere near the runway. hehe. so exciting!!! ok, me loves planes for one thing.. and seeing them land so near to us was absolutely heaven! and all very very very exciting!!!

so beautiful right???

so anw, we were somewhere there (it was approximately one hour into our cycling venture) when kw’s back tyre had a puncture. -.-” yes. puncture. so .. there was obviously nothing much that we could do except to walk all the way back to the bike shop. so .. that’s what we did! and no sooner did we start walking back, that it started to drizzle. =) drizzle ma.. still ok what……… then it started raining ………… 25mins later, we were back at the start of ECP (at the golf club entrance) and it was POURING. gaaaawwwwd. it was absolutely pouring…

but we had no choice but to keep on walking and when we were near this clearing, (there werent much trees around and it was just the place that we commented was very quiet and were planning a picnic there for its scenic beauty and lack of noise ) we saw lightning. it was SO close and near to us that it looked almost right in our face!!! 1) we were drenched 2) we were pushing the bicycles 3) there wasn’t much trees anywhere near us. we literally freaked. lol. looking back at it now, it was pretty funny. but it was quite scary at the point in time. the purple of the lightning was SO vivid!!!

so anw, we stopped for a quick dinner+breakfast+lunch at about 3.30 at the coffeeshop (cos i was very tired plus the lack of food was kind of getting to me) and by the time we reached the bike shop, it was alr ard 4.20pm. haha. along the way i told him: look on the bright side, we didnt come to cycle, we came to hike!! rofl. and yea i think we did. lol. we rented the bikes for 4hrs, cycled 1hr, walked for 3hrs loool. funny!!!

bt yea it was great experience .. (except for my now aching shoulders and legs) lol.

if i had to do it over again, i would =))

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